


Casting Call

by terma_archivist



Category: Harsh Realm, Highlander: The Series, The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-01
Updated: 2002-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:42:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26535292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atTER/MAand was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address onthe TER/MA collection profile.This was written for the 'Flame the Fight' day on the mailing list 'Fight club'. We had permission to poke fun at all the other authors (their stories) and members for one day. It was written with only the deepest affection for the stories involved. I should put disclaimers up here but I don't know who half these characters belong to so... if you recognise it... it ain't mine... even if you don't recognise it... it isn't likely mine either. No profit, just amusement.
Collections: TER/MA





	Casting Call

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).  
> This was written for the 'Flame the Fight' day on the mailing list 'Fight club'. We had permission to poke fun at all the other authors (their stories) and members for one day. It was written with only the deepest affection for the stories involved. I should put disclaimers up here but I don't know who half these characters belong to so... if you recognise it... it ain't mine... even if you don't recognise it... it isn't likely mine either. No profit, just amusement.

Go to notes and disclaimers 

  
**Casting Call  
by Carla Jane**

  
  
_Attention: Paired actors of cancelled and soon to be discontinued shows The M/K fight club is holding open auditions for one day only_

**Trench coats and leather jackets are mandatory**

* * *

Tyler leaned back in her push desk chair and propped her heels up on her desk. It was a beautiful day outside and she couldn't help but regret that she'd have to spend the day interviewing out of work characters. Still, Mulder and Krycek were misbehaving horribly lately and she had been forced into threatening them with replacement. If she didn't at least go through the motions of interviewing understudies the pair of them would be completely uncontrollable. 

She could hear the muffled rumble of many voices just outside her office door as the applicants ran through the scripts that had been scattered about. A great many of her list-children were grouped around her massive, well-appointed office. All of them were eager to offer their opinions on the awaiting men. Dr Ruthless and Fox'sGal had taken over the leather couch. The Doctor was laying her arms across the back and lounging as if she owned the place while Fox'sGal examined a rather unusual stain on the sofa's covering. Frankie, Kest and Nocturne were standing near the window sharing a 'zine between them and giggling at something that had caught their fancy. The object in question required the 'zine to be turned sideways and two flaps dropped out of the book. Isahunter had perched herself on a filing cabinet and was kicking her heels in a rather annoying fashion. Over near the doorway Bonita was readjusting the cookie jar on her lap, prepared to offer up treats to console the actors who would be sent on their way without jobs. 

"I still can't believe you're going through with this." MJ Lee dropped onto a corner of Tyler's desk. "It'd never be the same with anyone else." 

"I'm not really going to replace our darlings." Tyler repeated for the what felt like the hundredth time this morning. "But the pair of them have gotten so arrogant lately. It can't hurt to shake them up a bit." She sighed and jabbed a finger out to turn on the intercom. "Send in the first pair." 

Ayanna shoved open the door the office and stepped inside, holding it open for the pair of men following her. "Trela was supposed to send the more obviously inappropriate candidates on their way but she's wandered off somewhere with one of the guys auditioning for the Krycek part. I could use some help out here." 

"Bagatelle is in the next office surfing the web." Tyler informed her frustrated assistant for the day. "She'll tell you she's working, but don't believe her. Haul her ass out to give you a hand." 

"Thanks." After a brief glance down at the notepad in her hand Ayanna announced, "I'd like to introduce Jim Ellison and Blair Sandburg." She smiled as the large man and his vaguely feminine looking companion eased into the room. Jim's brow was creased up as if he were fighting off a headache. 

"So what've you got, boys?" Tyler hadn't bothered to keep track of which couples had got which scripts. 

"Umm... " The long haired, hippie looking one peered at the papers he had clutched in his hand. "We were given 'The Pact' by Mulderslady." He face raised with a faintly disturbed expression. "Umm... Can I ask, are all your stories so... " Blair sought out the correct word. "Hostile. I mean this dialogue... AHHH!! Dang it Mulder. Shit! Fuck that hurts!... and... Like that huh? Bitch!... and... Take it you little bitch! Take it!" The young man quoted. "Intense. It seems to me this gig is going to be rather emotionally draining. I mean, has this writer considered taking some sensitivity training? What do you think, Jim?" 

"I just wanna know who the hell my character works for anyway." Ellison asked, since he'd rather enjoyed playing a cop in his last show and wanted to be one of the good guys again. 

"Well we'd be able to help you with that if you'd read the audition flyer properly." Tyler complained. "It clearly states a wardrobe requirement which _you two_ have disregarded." Her gaze raked up their frames. "I can't tell which parts you're applying for." 

"Yeah, I looked at that." Blair frowned. "But don't you ladies think that leather jackets simply scream 'cruelty to animals'. It's so not me." 

"Oh please." Tyler groaned. "This isn't 'Touched by an Angel', Boys." She waved a hand. "Thanks but no thanks. That hair just doesn't do anything for me." The Listmaster dismissed the couple without waiting to hear them read. 

"Ick." Isahunter commented. 

"The perils of open casting." Tyler shrugged. "NEXT!" She screamed out. 

* * *

"An elevator?" The younger man of the pair standing before them inquired yet again in rather stuffy British accent. 

"A lift." Kest shouted from her place over by the window, hoping to speed things along. 

"There's very little to say in the first scene of this script." The lovely youth with the odd blondish braid and ponytail continued to be difficult, gesturing with his copy of Isahunter's No Ordinary Morning. 

"Well duh! It's a pwp." Isahunter defended her work. "It's about delving into emotions and motivations." She grinned. "And smut, of course." 

"And such rousing smut it was." MJ fanned herself with her hand. 

"I'm sorry." Ayanna, leaning on the inside of the door apologized. "They were seething so nicely at one another in the waiting room. I mean, I know the wardrobe is bit... off... but... " She was well aware that long robes of beige and browns weren't what Tyler had in mind. 

The elder of the two men laid a gentle hand on the younger's shoulder. "Don't think so much, young Padawan. Simply allow the situation to flow through you." 

"Yes Master." 

"Now THAT'S promising." One of the woman commented. The pair proceeded to show exactly how promising they could be as the Master tilted his apprentice's chin up and they exchanged a poignant look. 

"Yes, yes. Very pretty. Soulmates eternal and all that crap but it's not the kind of thing we're after here." Tyler flicked her hand. "Run along, Gentlemen." 

* * *

When the pair of them entered the room most of the women had high hopes, even Tyler perked up and smiled but only until she realised that the Krycek look-alike was dressed to the nines and shrouded in a long black raincoat. The man's tall, skinny companion was trying out for the Alex role. What a waste. 

The chemical attraction the two guys shared was impressive and they had a nice undercurrent of rivalry as well. Unfortunately their performance had a tendency to drift into silliness which suited some parts of the story but ruined other bits. 

The Krycek clone delivered his line in a enticingly low whisper. "What in the hell do they pay you to make this life worth it?" 

"You might notice by the state of my wallet that no one is paying me." The younger one couldn't seem to suppress a snort of amusement. "Hey Vic. It sounds just like our last job... speaking of which... " He looked up at the surrounding women. "I noticed a part in here for a female partner. There's this... " 

"Mac!" The elder chastised. "Stick to the script. This is serious business." 

"Yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I just thought if Li Ann were to hang out it'd be like old times, y'know." Mac rumpled the script he was holding. "Hey, are we gonna do it in the bathroom? When's the sex scene start? Am I on the bottom every time?" 

"Mac." Victor swatted his partner yet again. "Behave yourself." 

"It's okay." Dr Ruthless spoke up. "Why don't you boys just skip ahead to that part anyway." 

Over by the window a quiet conference was taking place. "They certainly aren't mean enough to work for this but we've _got_ to make sure these guys get a 'RatB' business card before they leave." Frankie insisted. 

* * *

"Go to hell," The slender man snapped, managing to look reluctant and rub back up into the man restraining him at the same time. 

The aggressor slid his strong hand down the other's body. "You have two choices here, pretty-boy. You can make this good for the both of us or it will be very painful for you alone." 

"What are their names again?" Nocturne asked breathlessly, drowning out the next growling exchange. 

"McLeod and Methos." Kest murmured without lifting her eyes. 

A rough finger ran across the white skin scuffed with dirt. "Ain't that too bad for you," he growled. 

The one on the bottom, Methos, lowered his eyes coquettishly, enticing the other even as he struggled to escape. Somehow helping to loosen his jeans with every struggling movement. "Mulder...wait," Methos protested. 

"What?" 

"I'd like to...make it good." 

"Bite me and... I'm sorry. I just can't do this." McLeod lowered his partner to the floor and stood up straightening his clothes. The man wore a trench coat like he was born with it on. "It's just not the way love is meant to be." 

Groans sounded all around the room. The man on the floor slapped at the other's pant leg and moaned. "Damn your sensibilities, Highlander." Methos squirmed back into his jeans. "This is the best audition we've gotten in weeks." 

"We don't need this job. I'm holding out for the movie." His head bobbed regally to the audience. "My apologies, Ladies." 

* * *

"Those are women." Fox'sGal observed with a grimace. "And the costumes are all messed up. Fox doesn't wear a leather skirt under his coat." 

Dr Ruthless nodded. "Besides, don't they have jobs right now?" 

"We're keeping our options open." The petite blonde in the belly- button revealing outfit explained. "It's what we do... keep our options open and never admit to an obvious relationship. Isn't that just perfect for Mulder and Krycek? Besides, we really want to do Wild Justice. We've been practising." 

"Yeah." Her impressively proportioned companion was playing with the handgun she'd been issued. "Hey, can I have her weapons instead?" Xena reached down and plucked away the knife Gabrielle had discovered in the lining of her leather jacket. 

"NEXT!" Tyler screamed. 

* * *

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" The Webmistress screamed at the top of her lungs while standing on her desk. 

The characters could barely be seen they were so small. 

"Come Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night." The tiny white, Armani clad mouse with a huge head announced gravely as he lead the way to the door. 

Another rodent trailed behind, his miniature leather jacket falling off as he ran. "Why, what're we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain?" 

"The same thing we do every night, Pinky... see about corrupting the internet and financing our plans to take over the world." 

* * *

Tyler's head sagged, resting in her hands as Ayanna escorted the most recent applicants out of the office. All about the room were various expressions of shock, confusion and mild amusement. "I just can't." Tyler mumbled. 

The men had preformed Bagatelle's Valentine Day admirably. The tickling had been playfully done, the sex had been suitably hot but the Webmistress simply couldn't believe she'd sat through the sequence. 

"I used to watch Starsky and Hutch with my Dad." Someone commented aloud. 

"Well, at least one of them got the leather jacket right." Bonita patted the nearest of her distressed neighbours on the back soothingly. "Although that sweater the other had on was well past it's expiry date." 

"And we could put Huggy Bear in a power suit and red wig. It would work if he walked on his knees." 

"My childhood... " One of the women wailed. 

"I suppose... " Ayanna, standing in the doorway with her clipboard, interrupted. "That means you all don't want to see Richie Cunningham and Fonzie then?" 

There was a sudden rush on the bathroom. 

* * *

Physically the new specimens before the committee were attractive, gorgeous even, but the more muscular of the two, who was trying out for the Mulder role, couldn't seem to stop making adjustments to Arwena and Juxian's story. 

"So, you miss me so much that you chase me all over the world? Is it love?" The Krycek applicant growled out. 

"Curiosity, rather." The actor's voice lacked the threat that usually underscored most of Mulder's snarls. "I need some answers from you, thank you very much." He offered up yet another charming smile to the woman behind the desk at the improvisation. "It never hurts to be polite, you know." 

The scruffy looking man with the experimental hair who'd introduced himself as Ray sighed in indulgent annoyance but continued on with the scene. "I thought you got them when we met the last time." 

"Yes, I have as a matter of fact—but I've found some new questions since then." The tall, handsome one made a move as he were about to tip his hat then realized he wasn't wearing one. 

* * *

"Carla Jane sent these one's over." Dr Ruthless explained as the door opened yet again. 

"She can type?" Isahunter inquired. "She's on this list? Are you sure?" 

The Doctor made a scolding sound. "Be nice. I have to coddle the little wuss until I get some twincest out of her. After that you're all welcome to hound her for being such a lurker." 

"In here... " Ayanna gave the younger man in the rear a little push to get him all the way into the office. "Ladies, meet Mike Pinocchio and Tom Hobbes. They're from that show that Chris Carter has been whining about the network cancelling." 

"We've got a copy of 'First night'. Carla Jane gave it to us so the pages are all crumpled and sweaty." Pinocchio flipped back the lapel of his trench coat to reveal a ratty sweater and an army surplus wardrobe. He dug around in his pockets. "She's a damned kinky woman." 

"I've a couple of questions." Wide blue eyes blinked at the surrounding women as Hobbes spoke up. "First of all there's the fact that this is an awful long story for something that's basically a pwp. Do we get danger pay in situations like this? Also I'm sure Mike has very nice feet and all, but we've been in the field for a while without showers... and that part about sucking his big toe." The young man winced. 

"Shut up, Hobbes." Pinocchio whacked his partner on the back of the head with the rolled up story he'd finally extracted. 

"I've seen worse." Kest commented. "Can we mix and match?" She asked the list-mommy. "Maybe bring that Methos guy back in and try him out with this version of Mulder?" 

"No fuckin' way." The scruffy looking mercenary objected. "I can't work with anyone else. He's 'the one'." 

"Well, thank you anyway, but Tom, it is Tom, right?" Tyler rubbed the crease forming between her brow. "I'm afraid you're just too all-American looking to pull this off, but thank you for coming out." 

Pinocchio grabbed his partner by the sleeve and hauled him around. "Don't be looking so relieved, Kid. Carla Jane's expecting a private performance of this damned story regardless. She fucking loves this goddamn script and considering how few writers we got interested in us I ain't about to piss her off. Not to worry though. She said I could use her shower first." 

* * *

"So help me God Ayanna, if that's the Skipper and Gilligan I hear out there I'm gonna rip the skin off your back and make a purse out of it." Tyler threatened the doorkeeper. 

"I would never... " Ayanna protested innocently, then stuck her head out the door and hissed. "Ratboy! Phyre! Grab those two. Throw them out the window. Now!" She straightened up with a wide smile. "I've some old favourites." Ayanna crooked her finger and coaxed the next pair of men into the room. 

Assistant Director Skinner looked decidedly uncomfortable in black leather, denim, and work boots as he tromped in. Jeffery Spender ghosted behind the bigger man looking no less comfortable in a suit just a couple of sizes too big for him. 

"There's been some kind of mistake." Tyler began diplomatically. 

"No mistake." Skinner crossed immediately. "There's only a few shows left, then what? You saw the part Carter gave me in the last movie." 

There were a few sympathetic grimaces about the room. 

"I've a copy of 'Genie in a bottle' and we've been practicing." He hooked his head slightly in Jeffery's direction. 

"I thought he was dead." Nocturne mentioned. 

"Did you see the body?" Spender Jr asked defensively. "I've more of case than that sap Pendrell and he still pops up occasionally. Jeez." His shoulders squared attempting to fill the elegant suit better. "I can do this. I mean, hell, how hard is it to act drunk and make a few leading remarks?" 

"Well, 'Genie in a bottle' isn't exactly typical of the kind of work you'll get from us, Jeffy." Dr Ruthless interrupted. "Oooo! I've got it. Somebody give him a copy of Sebastian's 'Manhunt'." She suggested. 

Tyler immediately produced the requested story from her right hand drawer. Her copy looked suspiciously well-thumbed. "I'm the Webmistress. I read everything." She defended as she tossed the manuscript over to Spender. 

"Not that it makes any sense to me." AD Skinner was still mumbling to himself, ignoring the activity around him. "I could give Fox a secure place to live. We could have a garden with a white picket fence, a couple of poodles, good china to eat off of... a nice life together." He looked down at the scuffed clothes he had put on for the audition. "But what does Mulder go for? Fistfights and cheap sex in abandoned buildings with a triple agent. Well fine, if that's what it takes, I can adapt." 

Most of the women were ignoring Skinner's complaints in favour of watching Jeffrey's expression as he skimmed over the selection from the extreme kink section of the organization. It only took a few moments for his eyes to grow impossibly wide. "Uh Sir... " 

"We could adopt a couple of kids, join the PTA, go on trips to the Grand canyon and retire to Florida together when we get old." 

Spender was now doing the impression of a landed tuna-fish. "Uh... Mr Skinner, Sir. I think you should read this and rethink your decision." 

"But he wants Krycek. I can do Krycek. There's nothing that cheap thug can do that I can't handle." The heavy set bald man vowed just before his temporary companion shoved the manuscript into his face. A heavy silence lay over the room for several moments. "A dog?" Brown eyes lifted to survey the surrounding ladies. "This story has a dog in it." His tone suggested he hadn't considered a hound as anything other than a pet. 

"That's the first selection in our 'let the chips fall where they may' section. I'm quite proud of how Sebastian cared the concept off." Tyler smiled sweetly at the look of horror on Skinner's face. 

"You know what? I'm thinking that Scully might be willing to settle down... " The AD shrugged out of the zipper covered jacket he'd wore into the room. "A nice catholic girl like her. She's not likely to want to spend the rest of her life alone." The garment dropped to the floor. 

"Good choice." Isadora confirmed. 

"But what about me?" Spender chased after his retreating ex- supervisor. 

* * *

The sun was setting and Tyler was about ready to starting shooting if one more unsuitable pair of characters walked through her door when a side panel on the room slid over. 

The action perked up the gathered members of the mailing list since only people in the know were aware of the secret entrance to Tyler's office. 

"Hey boss... " Alex Krycek slid through the crack as soon as it was wide enough to allow admittance. He swept his smouldering green eyes over the assembled crowd drawing coos of welcome from every corner. "I've been sorta keeping an eye on what you've been doing today." 

"Yes, well..." Tyler shuffled some papers on her desktop. "A few of them show a lot promise." 

"Fox and I have been talking." He glided closer and MJ immediately surrendered her spot on the edge of the desk for him to use. "I suppose we have given you just a bit too much lip these last few weeks. I know you're cranky from the e-groups/one list thing and we we're a little out of line complaining about things you couldn't control." 

Tyler leaned back in her chair expectantly. "So?" 

"Fox said to tell you he's really sorry. He can't 'come' himself right now, since he's all tied up..." Krycek's smile was truly evil. "But he'll behave himself now." 

"And you, Alex?" The Listmaster prompted, hoping for an apology to help soothe her nerves after the long day she'd had. 

Krycek paced around the desk and squatted down so his face was lower than her's. "I stopped by Ned and Leny's place for a photo op." He whispered softly, forcing her to strain closer to hear him. "I got the results outside in the car. You wanna see them." His lips drifted almost close enough to brush Tyler's. 

"Oh yeah... Class dismissed. Everybody go home." Tyler's desk chair went flying as she shoved it forcefully away. 

...and they all lived happily ever after for about 20 minutes. 

* * *

Milk and cookies time. 

This was written for the 'Flame the Fight' day on the mailing list 'Fight club'. We had permission to poke fun at all the other authors (their stories) and members for one day. It was written with only the deepest affection for the stories involved. I should put disclaimers up here but I don't know who half these characters belong to so... if you recognise it... it ain't mine... even if you don't recognise it... it isn't likely mine either. No profit, just amusement.   
[email removed]   
---


End file.
